Thursday, 2 September 2010

havent decide the title yet

I think its time for me to write and restart the blog. My time has stopped since my last post but I guess this is the time for me to move on from the 'moment'.

I have decided to start self project which is.....really hard to put into but I must try this.

One of my cousin has passed away and I have been regretting many things since. I hate to describe her life as negative way but she had an unfortunate life and she didn't deserve it. I was thr role model of her as I had everything she couldn't have. I am not saying that I am fortunate with my life or anything but she didn't have much people to get support or mentally rely onto. She had a serious health condition that she even had to drop her school, she wasn't fortunate with family and financial support and if I think back now, I didn't think many of the family members actually cared about her including myself. I was such an idiot and careless person. I was too selfish just to think about myself and complaining about my life. I was stupid enough to think that it was too vulnerable of me to be emotionally attatch to her and not show that I actually did care about her.

Fried egg was her favorite food. She always left yolk as a last part of meal because it was her most favorite part. She wanted to talk to me and visited my room, she liked visting my family and house as it was an ideal home for her. There are so many things I should have known about her and should have done for her. I thought I tried to know her better and be kind to her but I don't think I did much effort. It was nothing for me to take her to restaurants, be there to listen what it was in her mind and what she wanted to do with her life. I could have make her little wishes come true.

sound like im confessing this for self satisfaction and I can't conclute what I want to say. Words can't describe how I feel but I know that I must not forget about how I am feeling now and about her. Therefore, I would like to do photo shoot which devoted to her and her death. This incident was very meaningful to me.

Currently, I am screwed. I should be blessed with my life and what I've got. I should stop being selfish and let people those I especially care happy.

There are many plans that I have to follow and I need to grow up. I know what I must do but there are part of me don't want to change who I am including stupid part of me. I feel empty and hopeless. I am half alive.

anyway, this is too long entry. I am glad that I do photography so there are ways to express and know about myself more. 

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